Hi Emanuele
You may imagine the structuring element as the neighbourhood you are defining to operate through the image. Each white square tells that this pixel should be included in the statistical calculation (maximum, minimum, etc). So, if you have the following kernel (structuring element):
0 1 0
1 1 1
0 1 0
(0 is black, 1 is white) and select the maximum operator, you'll be comparing the actual pixel with the top, right, bottom and left ones, and replacing the actual pixel value with the highest of those 5. Larger kernels will generate a more aggressive behaviour, since you are including more pixels in the calculation.
Also the shape of the kernel is very important. It will largely depend on your aim, and the morphology of the objects in the image. But, basically, you want to build a structuring element closely related to you object of interest. For example, for stars, circular patterns work great. Also works fine a combination of square and diamond shaped filters, one after the another.
Now, getting down to your last question. If you want a mild effect, choose a 2 way filter, the first one a square and the second a diamond, both 3x3. Play with the amount and iterations untill you get the results you want. I'm usually happy with 8-10 iterations, and 10-25% amount.